New Beginnings
by Tear-Trax
Summary: Shuichi tries to commit suicide. Will he suceed?
1. Chapter 1

Hello to everyone at This is the first chapter to my first story. I hope you like it.

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**New Beginnings **

**Shuichi (POV)**

**Chapter One**

What if I told you love doesn't exist. Would you believe me?

What if I told you a cold heart could never feel warmth. Would you believe me?

What if I told you beautiful golden eyes could never show love. Would you believe me?

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I look around the apartment I've been living in for the last four years. I look at each item, knowing nothing in this room belongs to me. I look at he plain décor, and the minimalist furniture. I wonder how I could have stayed here for so long, living in a place that looks dead, when inside, I'm more alive than I'll even know about until its too late.

I make my way into the kitchen, and once again observe that nothing is mine. Even my favourite mug isn't here anymore. I think he broke it on purpose. Leaving the cold kitchen behind, I walk into _his _bedroom. It looks the same, only all my stuff has been packed away. Everything I owned is now at the charity shop. It's not like I'll ever need it. Not where I'm going anyway.

My to last stop is his study. It's his sanctuary that is more lived in than any other room in the house. I'm more than a little surprised to see a picture of the two of us in a silver frame sitting on his desk.

In the picture, I'm smiling brightly like I've just won a prize. My big purple eyes shinning with so much love. The biggest surprise is seeing him smiling, his arm is around my shoulders. I don't know when this photo was taken. I'm not looking at the camera, but he is.

His eyes that has held nothing but hatred and disappointment for as long as I've known him, are shinning with an emotion that I have never seen before. I turn away. I can't look at his face anymore, that part of my life is over.

Well, actually my life is over. It was over that day in the park, when we first met. I was just too blind to see what was happening. I was like a kid in a candy store, always high on sugar. I never stopped to think what I was doing to the people around me.

I think I drove Hiro over the edge with all my never ending annoyance. The last time I saw him was in Kyoto when he got married to Ayaka two years ago. I know he's tried to see me since then, but I wasn't brave enough to look him in the eyes. I know he would have seen the change in me. I know he would have guessed what I've been planning for a while now.

I couldn't even talk to Fujisaki. I know we've never been close, but I still didn't have the guts to see him when he dropped by the other day. I don't know why he came by, maybe just to nag at me for some reason.

Even K 's changed. He's not as crazy as he was once. He's still obsessed with his precious guns, but he gave up threatening people a long time ago. I wonder if that was because of me. I know they all think it's my fault. I suppose it was. I broke the band apart. I think I finally had enough. The never ending insults, the death threats, the shouting, the dirty looks. And that was just from my so-called friends. Anyway, enough of my trip down memory lane.

I head back into the front room and sit on the couch that has been my bed since I moved in. I hold the gun in my hand, the cold shiny metal making my pale skin look even paler. I watch as the sun bounces off the gun when I tilt it from side to side.

I close my eyes and think over my last conversation with Yuki. It was only this morning but it feels like along time ago.

_Flashback……………………………_

"_What the hell do you want?" Yuki barks at me._

_I actually knocked on his door for once, instead of just barging my way in._

"_Yuki, you promised to spend some time with me."_

_He sighs and finally turns to look at me, his golden eyes glinting with anger. I suppress the sigh I feel trying to escape. I was really hoping today would be different, but it's just the same. The plan I've been working on for the passed few weeks will happen just as I planned tonight. I think I wanted to try one last time, but he's jus the same as he always is._

"_I haven't got time. I promised Tohma I would have dinner with him…" _

I leave, shutting the door behind me. I don't want to hear anymore. It's always Tohma. he'll drop everything for his precious Tohma, but for me? He probably wouldn't even throw water on me if I was on fire.

_I lie on the couch, and listen as he gets his stuff together._

"_I'm meeting my editor."_

_I don't answer him. It's all over now. Today's the day for new beginnings. Well, it's the end for me. I hope I get a new beginning, wherever I end up._

_End Flashback……………………………_

When Yuki left this morning, I packed up all my stuff and took it to the charity shop. The only things I kept was the necklace my mother gave me for my last birthday, and the clothes on my back.

Placing the note on the table, I lean back on the couch. Is this really how its going to end? Is this what I've been reduced too? I don't know why I can't just leave Japan, start a new life somewhere. But the answer is simple. If I can't have Yuki, I don't want to be in this world anymore.

I don't think I'm even capable of living alone. I still suck at cooking. If I had to live on my own, I think I would have wasted away by now.

I look at the clock, and wonder how the hell I've wasted the day away. All this moping has given me a headache. Well, its now or never. Yuki will be home soon, and I want to be gone before he gets back.

Lifting the gun, I place it against my chest. For some reason I haven't got the guts to shoot myself in the head. All the movies I've seen where people get shot in the head, their brains making a nice pattern behind them… it just gives me the creeps.

I take a deep breath, with my finger on the trigger. I frown when I hear the front door open. He can't be home now. The door closes. Fuck it…I hold my breath and pull the trigger. The pain is so intense. The gun falls from my grasp, and crashes to the floor.

My body slumps against the couch. Why the fuck am I not dead? I had the gun pointed at my heart, it should have killed me immediately. I guess like everything else in my life, I've screwed it up.

I feel a hand pressed against my neck, and open my eyes to see Tatsuha looking at me. I think I would have laughed if my body hadn't gone numb. His mouth is moving, but I can't hear his words.

I watch as he runs to the phone. I want to tell him to stop, don't phone for help, but my words get stuck in my throat. But I don't think it's going to make a difference. I feel myself floating away. I close my eyes, hoping I'll never have to open them again.

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Thanks for reading, and please review to tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Hope you like this chapter.**

**Chapter Two**

**Tatsuha (POV)**

I know aniki's going to kill me, but who cares? I need to borrow one of his cars. I want to take Ryuichi out on a date, so I need a car. I don't want to take my motorcycle. Besides it's hard to have sex on a motorcycle.

I use the key I had copied and open his front door. I know he's out with Tohma, I just hope Shuichi's out. Well, even if he isn't he wont squeal on me. I shut the door, and jump out of my skin when I hear a gun shot.

I race into the front room, and see Shuichi slumped against the couch. A gun falls from his hand and thunks to the ground. His eyes are closed. I've never been so scared in all my life as I make my way towards him and feel for a pulse.

A tear of relief makes its way down my cheek as I feel his heart beat against his neck. He opens his eyes and looks at me. I tell him to hold on, that everything's going to be all right. I don't waste time. I race to the phone and call for an ambulance. Then I phone aniki, but his phone is switched off, so I leave a rather frantic message for him on his voice mail. I then phone Tohma, but his phone's also switched off. A momentary thought flashed through my mind on whether there out fucking somewhere, then I dismiss the thought. Only yesterday aniki told me he was thinking of asking Shuichi to marry him.

After leaving a message on Tohma's phone, I call Ryuichi and ask him to meet me at the hospital. I hang up the phone and open the phone door, then go back to Shuichi. My heart misses a beat when I see his eyes are closed. I check his pulse and sigh when I feel it, but it's faint.

I try talking to him, but he can't hear me, so I start pacing. I look out the window every few seconds, watching for the ambulance. The sirens blaring and the squeal of the tires inform me that it's here.

I wait anxiously as for them to arrive. Two medics rush into the room, and I just point stupidly at Shuichi, letting them take control. I hover in the background, watching as they strap an oxygen mask to his face and apply pressure to the wound.

They lift his seemingly lifeless body onto the stretcher, and I follow them out of the apartment and towards the lift. Even though it only took a few seconds, it felt like an eternity for the doors to open.

I get in the back of the ambulance with Shuichi, and hold his hand. I feel so useless. I wish I would have arrived at aniki's apartment sooner. If I hadn't stopped to talk to that girl, maybe I would have been in time, and maybe I would have been able to stop him.

But I know this isn't my fault. It's aniki's. I don't know what he's done this time, but I know Shuichi doesn't deserve the treatment my brother inflicts on him. But what about yesterday? He told me he was going to ask Shuichi to marry him. That means he loves him, right?

So why did Shuichi want to kill himself? I just hope we get to the hospital in time to save him. He's looking really pale and his lips are looking a little blue. By the time the ambulance stops outside the hospital, Shuichi's stopped breathing.

I watch as the two medics race him through the doors and into the operating theatre. I feel arms encircle my neck, and the familiar smell of Ryuichi. He pulls me into his arms as the tidal wave of emotions break, and I break down. He holds me as I sob.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to erase the picture of Shuichi's lifeless body from my mind. The way he was slumped against the couch, blood spreading across his white shirt at an alarming rate.

I feel Ryuichi's body shake as he cries too. Shuichi has always been a really good friend to Ryuichi, and me. We've always been friends. I don't know what to say… what can I say? I feel my legs buckle and we fall to the floor, holding each other, crying loudly.

I don't know how long we sat on the floor, but as soon as the door to the operating theatre opens, we pull apart and jump to our feet. As the doctor walks towards us. I look at the expression on his face, but he's not showing any emotion.

I grip Ryuichi's hand and pray to Kami-sama that Shuichi's okay. He gestures for us to follow him into the waiting room, and we sit down opposite him.

"We managed to get the bullet out. It's a miracle how he just missed his heart. He's lost a lot of blood…even though his body is fighting, it's like his mind has given up. He slipped into a coma as we were operating…the next 24 hours will be critical. I think it's best if you contact his family, just in case."

He nods his head and leaves the room. I look at Ryuichi to see tears once again making their way down his face. I swallow painfully. I suppose I better start phoning people. Unfortunately, I only know Hiro's number.

I stand up and walk to the payphone. I take a deep breath and phone Hiro. I'm not looking forward to this conversation.

--

After all the phone calls were made, Ryuichi and I were allowed to see Shuichi. We sat on either side of his bed, each holding one of his hands. He looks terrible. I can't help but keep watch on the heart monitor. The beeps are regular, but the doctor did say the next 24 hours would be critical. I hope his parents make it here. They're on vacation, visiting family in Osaka. Hiro said he would be here as soon as he can

A gentle tapping on the door snaps me back to reality. I look to see Fujisaki, Sakano, and K enter the room. There's no need for talking. I can see by their expressions that they're as worried as I am. They grab some chairs and sit around the bed.

We don't take our eyes off of him. I know I'm afraid if I do he'll disappear, or something. I check my watch, wondering where the hell aniki is. He better not be out fucking Tohma. If he is, I'll fucking kill the bastard.

A few hours later two things happen at the same time. Hiro rushes into the room, with Ayaka right behind him, and then the heart monitor starts making that continuous beeping sound. The blood drains from my face as I look at Shuichi.

The door flies open and doctors and nurses stream into the room, ushering us all out of the room. Before the door shuts behind us, I see Shuichi's body convulse as the paddles on his chest tries to kick start his heart to beat again.

I look around at the others, Ayaka's holding Hiro as he cries. Sakano's passed out on the floor. Fujisaki and K look me with the same dread on their faces as I have on mine. Ryuichi puts his arms around me and I lean into his embrace.

"Tatsuha." I look round to see Aniki and Tohma walking towards us.

**Thanks for reading, and please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to those who reviewed, this chapter is for you guys. Hope you like it.**

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**Chapter Three**

**Yuki (POV)**

As soon as I left my apartment this morning I've been cursing myself at the way I treated Shuichi. I've noticed that he's changed ever since he quit Bad Luck two years ago. That was a shock when he told me about it. I never thought he would give up on his singing, it's his passion in life.

But I supported him. Well, in my own way I did. I've felt him slipping away from me, but I haven't done anything about it. I'm trying to change, but it's hard. I always think something's going to happen and he's going to stop loving me.

So I decided to do something about it. I know I promised to spend some time with him today, but I arranged to meet with Tohma. After lunch we went shopping and I bought an engagement ring. It's a gold band with three pink stones. I know its short notice but I booked a function room at the best hotel for tomorrow, where I'm going to propose to him. I've already phoned everyone to make sure they'll be there, except Tatsuha and Ryuichi. I couldn't get hold of them, no doubt there out together somewhere.

But that's okay, I can phone him later. Next we stopped off at the florists where I bought twelve red roses. I want to take him back something to apologise for tonight. Tohma's been very nice today. He hasn't been annoying, or trying to talk me out of it. I guess he's finally accepted that I love him, and I do.

I know I treat him like shit, but I'm going to change. Its time for a new beginning. At about 6pm, Tohma dropped me off at my apartment. After saying goodbye and thank you, I got out of his car and made my way inside.

I knew something was wrong as soon as I stepped through the door. There was spots of blood on the floor. Without taking my shoes off, I walk into the front room. When I put the flowers on the table, I see a gun laying on the floor.

A look at the couch shows me a patch of blood.

"Shuichi." I call, as I search the apartment.

There's no sign of him, or any of his stuff. I go back into the front room and piece of paper on the floor catches my attention. I pick it up, and read it.

**Yuki**

**I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy. I'm sorry you have to find me this way, but it's the only thing I can think of doing. I know I can't leave, I have nothing and no one. My life has changed, but I don't like how it's changed. I can't go on, not anymore. My life is over. It was over the day I met you. I know you never loved me. But that's fine. Don't blame yourself, it just wasn't meant to be.**

**Remember I'll always love you. And I hope you find the happiness I couldn't give you.**

**Shu**

The paper falls out of my hand and flutters to the floor. The light from the answering machine catches my attention. I walk over and press the button.

"_Aniki, where the hell are you…come down to the hospital as soon as you get this message, it's Shuichi…"_

I don't bother listening to the rest, I leave my apartment and make my way out. Tohma's car pulls up, and don't waste time asking him why he's here, or how he knows. I just get in the passenger seat, and he drives to the hospital.

My mind is in a whirl. Why would Shuichi want to kill himself? I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, but am I really that bad? Please Kami-sama, let him be all right. I promise I'll never treat him like shit again, if you grant this one wish.

I was already willing to change for him. I was planning to commit myself to him in a permanent way.

When Tohma parks his car, we make our way into the hospital. The sight I'm greeted with scares the shit out of me. Ayaka's holding Hiro, and I can hear him crying. Sakano's on the floor, out cold. Fujisaki and K are standing like statues with unreadable expressions on their faces.

It's Tatsuha's face that shocks me the most, he looks so lost. His face is pale and his body is trembling. Ryuichi's crying and he's got his arms around Tatsuha.

"Tatsuha." I call as Tohma and I make our way towards the group.

He turns to look at me and I don't like the look on his face. His eyes move from side to side, looking at Tohma and me. I don't know what's he's thinking. I see his body begin to tremble, his face a mask of anger.

"Where the hell have you been? Out fucking somewhere? I can't believe you! You're a worthless piece of shit, and I'm ashamed to call you my brother!" He turns away and starts walking down the corridor.

The silence is so thick, you could probably cut it with a knife. The others are looking at me, wondering if what Tatsuha said was true. Why the fuck does he think I'm cheating on Shuichi? I can't believe he said he was ashamed to call me his brother. I clench my fists and make my way after him, but Ryuichi's hand on my arm stops me.

"Yuki-san, don't pay any attention to what he said…he was the one who found Shuichi. I think he's in shock."

Oh Kami-sama, how could I forget Shuichi?

"What happened?"

I listen as Ryuichi tells me what happened. I swallow a painful lump in my throat. My Shuichi tried to kill himself. Was he really that unhappy with me? I close my eyes and picture what he wrote. He said he loved me. I wish I had told him I loved him, instead of always shutting him out. If only I had planned this earlier, maybe it would have turned out differently. And now my Shuichi is in there fighting for his life.

A thump brings us all out of our thoughts. We look round to see Tatsuha on the floor. We make our way over, as a couple of doctors pick him up off the floor and place him on a stretcher, and wheel him into a spare cubicle.

A young nurse checks to make sure he's all right.

"He's okay, he just fainted." She says as she leaves.

I stand by the bed and take my brothers hand. His eyes open and he meets my eyes. Tears make there way down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry aniki, I didn't mean what I said…I was so afraid. When I saw Shuichi slumped against the couch, I thought he was dead. The blood on his shirt, the gun on the floor. I heard the gun shot…I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get that image out of my head…"

I pull him into a hug as he starts to cry. His whole body shaking. I've never seen my brother like this, not even when we were little.

"Excuse me."

We break apart to see a doctor standing in front of us.

"We managed to get Mr Shindou's heart beating again, but he's still in a coma…you can sit with him if you want…try talking to him, it might help."

We all make our way into Shuichi's room. I stand by the side of his bed. His body looks so tiny in the bed, his body covered with a blue blanket. His face looks pale. I take his hand and raise it to my face, placing a kiss on his knuckles.

"Why did you do this Shuichi? Why did you want to leave me? I know I've been a bastard to you, but I'm trying." I don't know if he can hear me, but I just talk to him. "I even planned on asking you to marry me. That's why I couldn't spend time with you today. Tohma and I went shopping, I got you an engagement ring…I also planned to throw you a party tomorrow night…I wanted everything to be perfect…why Shuichi? Why did you do this?" I start to sob.

"Because I didn't think you loved me."

My head snaps up to find big purple eyes staring at me. My sobs grow louder, my hand clenches his. I'm vaguely aware of someone racing out of the room, but my attention stays on Shuichi. I lean my forehead against his. I watch as he lifts his hand to my face, and wipes my tears away.

**Thanks for reading, and please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

Hey to all who reviewed my story. I am so sorry for not adding the last chapter sooner, it was hard to write this chapter. I had so many fantastic reviews, and I didn't want to let everyone down with a shitty chapter. I re-wrote the chapter over and over again, trying to do the story justice, I just hope I did.

Hope you like.

I do not own Gravitation.

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**Chapter Four**

**Shuichi (POV)  
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I don't know how much time has passed. It feels like I'm floating, I'm in a place of darkness. I thought Kami-sama would have taken my soul to a beautiful place where I could actually be happy for once.

But am I damned to stay in this black abyss of nothingness because I took my own life, is this my punishment? I'm not really that scared. I would just like to see something, anything…a twinkle of light would be fine. It's like having your eyes shut permanently.

I try to frown, but I feel numb all over. It's like I haven't got a body. Maybe I don't. I can hear a beeping noise and voices, but they always seem far away. At least I'm not in pain…fuck, I think I spoke too soon. A pain in my chest makes it difficult to breathe. Along with the pain, the voice I can hear gets louder and it's familiar.

I concentrate on the voice, and recognise it. I want to open my eyes to look at Yuki, but at the same time I don't…But I want to hear what he's saying.

"Why did you do this Shuichi? Why did you want to leave me? I know I've been a bastard to you, but I'm trying. I even planned on asking you to marry me. That's why I couldn't spend time with you today. Tohma and I went shopping, I got you an engagement ring…I also planned to throw you a party tomorrow night…I wanted everything to be perfect…why Shuichi? Why did you do this?"

I am in shock. I've always wanted Yuki to marry me, but I never realised he wanted the same thing. If I'm dreaming, please don't wake me up. When I hear him crying, I force my eyes to open and wince at the brightness of the room. I look to my left to see Yuki's bowed head, I open my mouth and answer his question.

"Because I didn't think you loved me."

Yuki's head snaps up and his eyes meet mine. His sobbing grows louder, and his grip on my hand tightens. He leans his head towards me, so our foreheads are touching. I raise my hand and wipe his tears away.

I've never seen so much emotion in his eyes before. I can't look away from his penetrating gaze. His tears mingle with mine as I start to cry. My arms slip around his neck, I want him as close to me as possible. His hands cup my face. His lips descend upon mine slowly. His mouth moving tenderly on mine sends tingles all over my body. Someone coughing in the background brings us out of our special moment.

We pull apart to see a doctor standing beside the bed. Everyone files out of the room, allowing the doctor to examine me. He said I was very lucky to be alive. The bullet missed my heart by a centimetre. He wants me to stay in hospital for the next couple of days, and he wants me to talk to a shrink, but I'm not too keen on that idea. Maybe I can get Seguchi-san to get me out of here sooner.

I can't think about it now, but I know I will have to soon. I won't be able to forget that I tried to kill myself. I'll never forget that the reason I tried was because I didn't think Yuki loved me. I guess in some sick twisted way, this has brought us closer, making him show me some affection at last.

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Sitting up in the hospital bed the next day, the door opens and Hiro walk in. My eyes fill with tears as he makes his way towards me. He pulls me into a hug and lets me cry on his shoulder, something I haven't done for so long. It feels comforting.

When I pull away, I find it hard to look in his eyes. So he holds my head and forces me too. I think he wanted to shout at me, but my eyes must have shown all the emotions I'm feeling. He didn't shout, but he wanted to know why I would try and take my own life.

I guess it sounded pathetic when I told him it was because I didn't think Yuki loved me. After sitting in silence for a moment, he finally asked me where I got the gun from. I felt the blush burn my face. And told him I stole it from K's weapon closet that he has at NG.

Hiro started laughing, which made me laugh too. I know K will have a cow when he finds out. After another moment in silence, this one not uncomfortable, we settle into a conversation, and it feels so good to have my best friend back.

Throughout the day, I had many visitors. K and Sakano came and K knew I stole one of his guns, but surprisingly he didn't kill me. He just made me promise to give it back to him. Tatsuha and Ryuichi visited, and the latter was in mature mood. He told me I was an idiot.

And he said he was happy to see me alive. He then reverted back to chibi Ryuichi and bounced around, waving Kumagorou in the air. I smiled at his antics, he could always make me feel happy. Tatsuha made me promise never to do something like this again, I looked him in the eyes and realised that he had changed, and it was my fault because he found me. I can't imagine how awful that was for him.

I surprised him by pulling him into a hug, whispering apologies into his ear. We broke apart as Yuki came into the room. Tatsuha gave me one last smile before dragging a still bouncing Ryuichi out of the room.

Yuki sat down on the bed and faced me. We looked into each others eyes. His hand moved to my face to wipe the tears away that were trickling down my face. Pulling me into a hug, I lean against him. I guess it's going to take a while to get what I did to stop haunting me, and him.

But if we can face it together, we can get through anything. Maybe we can have that new beginning I've wanted for so long.

"I love you." I whisper into his ear.

"I love you too." He answers. It's going to take a while to get used to hearing him say that, but I love hear those three words coming from his mouth.

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**One Month Later**

I got out of the hospital three days after I was admitted. I didn't talk to the shrink they wanted me to talk about. They weren't too happy about it, but Seguchi-san pulled some strings and got me out of that place faster. I don't know why I'm reluctant to talk to anyone about what happened. I guess apart of me wants to just forget about it, so I don't have to keep reliving it.

I know it's going to be hard to get over it. But like I said before, as long as I have Yuki by my side I can do anything. I still have doubts sometimes, but I probably will for a long time to come. I hope Yuki doesn't get sick of me, and finally tell me to leave. That is my greatest fear.

Two week after being released from the hospital, Yuki threw me a party at my favourite hotel. All my friends and family were there. But the best part was when he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. All the worries I had been having evaporated at that moment. If Yuki wanted to make this commitment, then he really did want to be with me.

I accepted as tears poured from my eyes. It was the happiest moment in my life. He placed a beautiful gold ring on my finger. Everyone gathered and we proceeded to celebrate our engagement. Yuki wants to get married next summer, which is fine by me. A summer wedding sounds so romantic.

Even Tohma and Mika were happy for us. I think they've finally accepted me. I guess if I was wiling to give up my life for Yuki, then I really must love him. So they know I won't betray him. It's kind of a sick twisted logic if you think about it, but I'm just glad I wont have to put up with them always telling me that I'm not good enough.

And last week Hiro, Fujisaki, and I had a meeting with Seguchi-san at NG. He wanted to know if he we were interested in reforming Bad Luck. The guys were interested, and so was I. I never wanted to quit in the first place. I guess what I was going through made do things I didn't want to really do, so we're now back doing what we love. I can finally say I'm happier than I've ever been.

When we had a joint concert with Nittle Grasper, I found myself loving it, once again on stage with thousands of people cheering loudly. My golden angel standing at the back, his eyes on me all the way through, giving me his support.

I feel so blessed to be giving another chance. This time I'm not going to screw it up. I have my friends, my music and the love of my life. I have everything I want, and it's finally enough. I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been.

Although everything is how I want it, my personality has changed. I guess the old me has gone for good. I've changed and personally I think it's for the best. I no longer get on anyone's nerves, I don't bounce and whine.

I've finally grown up, and I like the new me. Everything around me feels new. Just like the new beginning I always wanted.

I love those two words: **New Beginnings.**

END

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There, it's finished. I hope you liked it. Please review and let me know what you think.


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